Americans have trouble facing the truth. So they invent a kind of soft language to protect themselves from it. […] At some stage during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. Constipation became occasional irregularity. […] The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore. They neutralize people. Or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie. It engages in misinformation, George Carlin, Euphemisms, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics, 1990.
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me underpriviledged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime, but I have a great vocabulary, Jules Feiffer.
A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used instead of one that may be found offensive, vulgar, sad, unpleasant or shocking. Some euphemisms are not funny at all: My daddy passed away when I was twelve, collateral damage, casualty, etc. However, I find some of them very amusing:
- She is not ugly, she is one of a kind, beautifully challenged, facially compromised, sexually handicapped, aesthetically freelancer, she has unconventional looks.
- His teeth aren’t bad, they’re just wrestling.
- I am not arrogant, I just have an inflated self-esteem.
- I am not messy, I am organizationally challenged.
- I am not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
- I do not have bad handwriting, I have my own font.
- You’re the depressed guy, right? ― How dare you! The term is “festively challenged.”
- A bat in the cave (you have a booger stuck in your nose, clearly visible from the outside.)
- Excuse me, I’ve just got to talk to a man about a horse.
- Step on a frog, drop a rose, break wind (fart).
- To grow a tail, give birth to an otter, crimp off a length, drop the kids off at the pool, take a dump (do a poo).
- I am not fat, I am big boned, easy to see, and fluffy. In other words, I am horizontally enhanced.
- I am not rude, I have an attitude, I just explain what’s on my damn mind! I just don’t like you at all, you are simply insignificant, I just articulate what everyone else is thinking and hasn’t got the balls to say.
- Shouting Groceries (vomit).
- Follicly challenged (bald).
- I am not short, I am just fun sized or I’m just concentrated cool.
- I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle.
- That’s not a lie, it’s a terminological inexactitude.
- I am not weird, I’m a limited edition.
- I’m not short tempered, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.
- I am not old, I am retro, vintage, I have a lot of life experience.
- I am not lazy, I am physically conservative, I just rest before I get tired, I just enjoy doing nothing, I am in my energy saving mode, I am just easily tired.
- You’re not ugly, you’re under construction ― just facially or aesthetically challenged! You look like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Your beauty is different, very deep inside, like a cubist picture. You have a severe appearance deficit.
What’s black and white, black and white and black and white?
― A nun falling down the stairs.
A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.
– A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.
– A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side.
– Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: “Whoever did this to you needs help.
A man goes to a church with a large, very disproportionate knife which would instantly kill anyone it hit.
The priest asks:
– How could you bring this weapon to the Lord’s House?
– I always take it with me just in case someone dares to contradict me. I hate people who disagree with me on literally anything. I am an atheist, are you a Christian?
– No, of course not and honestly, I wouldn’t advise it to you either.
What is the snake’s favourite subject? -Hiss-story.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
What does a mobile phone say to another phone? -Who knows what the future will brr-ing!
Why are owls wise? ― I don’t know, I’m not an owl…
The first restaurant on the moon didn’t do very well. -It had great food but no atmosphere.
Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something? — Yes, here’s a kite!
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar. — Don’t worry, you’ll soon change!
What does a pen say to a pencil? — So, what’s your point!
What does a tree do when it is ready to go home? — It leaves.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
The Computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for Boxing.
There are three kind of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can’t.
What does a wall say to another wall? Meet me at the corner!
Knock Knock! -Who’s there? – Who. – Who who? – Are you an owl?
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss? -Ouch
Are you superstitious? — No, because it brings bad luck.
How do you drown a blonde? — You just stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.