Laugh with us: Euphemisms

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Euphemisms

Americans have trouble facing the truth. So they invent a kind of soft language to protect themselves from it. […] At some stage during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. Constipation became occasional irregularity. […] The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore. They neutralize people. Or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie. It engages in misinformation, George Carlin
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime, but I have a great vocabulary, Jules Feiffer

A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used instead of one that may be found offensive, vulgar, sad, unpleasant or shocking. Some euphemisms are not funny at all: “My dad passed away when I was twelve”, “Poor people are collateral damage, disposable entities, pawns in power chess”, etc. However, I find some of them very amusing:

  • I am not lazy, I am physically conservative, I just rest before I get tired, I just enjoy doing nothing, I am on energy saving mode, I am just easily tired, I am overflowing with potential energy. I’m just depleted motivated to reduce stress and do nothing, just waiting for inspiration to hit me.
    Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years. I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.

  • I am not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
  • I do not have bad handwriting, I have my own font.
  • She is not ugly, she is one of a kind, beautifully challenged, facially compromised, sexually handicapped, aesthetically freelancer, she has unconventional looks. His teeth aren’t bad, they’re just wrestling.
  • I am not arrogant, I just have an inflated self-esteem.
  • I am not messy, I am organizationally challenged.
  • You’re the depressed guy, right? ― How dare you! The term is “festively challenged.”
  • A bat in the cave (you have a booger stuck in your nose, clearly visible from the outside).
  • Excuse me, I’ve just got to talk to a man about a horse.
  • Step on a frog, drop a rose, break wind (fart).
  • To grow a monkey tail, make a deposit in the porcelain bank, unload some timber, drop the kids off at the pool, gotta do some paperwork, (do a poo).
  • I am not fat, I am big boned, easy to see, and fluffy. In other words, I am horizontally enhanced. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality. 
  • I am not rude, I have an attitude, I just explain what’s on my damn mind! I just don’t like you at all, you are simply insignificant. I just articulate what everyone else is thinking and hasn’t got the balls to say. I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle. I’m not short tempered, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.
  • Shouting Groceries, technicolor yawn, making street pizza, bowing down to the porcelain god, tossing cookies (vomit).
  • Follicly challenged. It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • I am not short, I am just fun-sized or I’m just concentrated cool.
  • That’s not a lie, it’s a terminological inexactitude. No, I’d never lie. I am just being economical with the truth.
  • I am not weird, I’m a limited edition, I just find creative ways to entertain myself / I just belong to a class of people which you don’t understand / I just have that thing called – Personality! / I just fall outside your exceptionally narrow view of the world.
  • You are a manipulator! -I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer (J. R. Ward).
  • I am not old… I am retro, vintage, antique, I have plenty of life and cuddle experience, I am just a classic, I’ve just been young for a very long time, I am a recycled teenager!
  • You’re not ugly, you’re under construction ― just facially or aesthetically challenged! You look like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Your beauty is different, it is buried alive very deep inside. You have a severe appearance deficit. I am not ugly, I just reduce my graphics to enhance performance.
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Author: Anawim

I am a social activist. I have two Bachelor's degrees, Maths and Computer & Software Engineering. I also have a Ph.D. in Psychology. I have written nine published books, four scientific articles, and five scientific presentations. I simply want to contribute to making a difference where it counts, so that we make the world a better, more sustainable, prosperous, and fairer place. I am always willing to give free talks and lectures about the social problems that exist in our world today.

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