Ríete con Nosotros: Eufemismos

No le tolero eso. —Pues revise usted, si es tan amable, sus límites de tolerancia,Arturo Pérez-Reverte.

La verdad es única y siempre se nos aparece desnuda, tal como es, somos nosotros los que tratamos de disfrazarla con enredos, artimañas, eufemismos y tergiversaciones.

  • No soy pobre, sino minimalista. No soy gordo, tengo huesos anchos y los trajes me están “apretaditos” (te pega el traje como a un Cristo tres pistolas). No soy calvo, padezco una alopecia galopante o avanzada. No soy prepotente, soy consciente de mi superioridad y tengo una gran autoestima. No soy feo, tengo una belleza especial o rara; soy difícil de mirar, mis amigas me dicen que me quieren como amigo.
  • Ya no recibimos publicidad ni compramos crema en el supermercado, nos encontramos correo comercial en el buzón y adquirimos emulsiones seborreguladoras matificantes incoloras o coloreadas.
  • Yo no soy vago, solo nací cansado/descanso por un tiempo indefinido/llevo un tiempo en modo ahorro de energía.
  • No hay más que preocuparse, nuestros queridos gobernantes realizarán las necesarias políticas de rescate bancario o apoyo financiero (para favorecer a los de siempre) porque, como todos sabemos, aquí no hay crisis económica ni depresión sino un crecimiento negativo, desaceleraciones controladas y datos débiles de evolución positiva (manda huevos que diría el poeta consumado Federico Trillo). Para ayudar al crecimiento, se seguirán realizando reformas laborales con el fin de flexibilizar el mercado laboral (es decir, el despido más barato todavía).
  • Y, por supuesto, seguiremos exportando democracia con bombas y drones (tócate los cojones, perdón por el pareado) en intervenciones “humanitarias”, pero también armadas, con sus consecuentes daños colaterales, técnicas avanzadas de interrogación a los detenidos y víctimas de métodos coercitivos.
  • No tengo mala letra, solo tengo mi propio tipo de fuente/he nacido para médico.
  • A los que después de la entrevista no le digan “no se preocupe que lo llamaremos” (no figura, el trabajo no es para ti), con su trabajo precario (de esclavos, pero bueno… ¿todavía no se ha bajado los pantalones?) podrán acceder a la vivienda digna, quizás anunciado como “ideal parejas” (para los gnomos).
  • Con todo lo que está cayendo puede que tengas ganas de dar vía libre al transito intestinal, visitar Chi-cago, pasar de lo abstracto a lo concreto, calcular el producto interior bruto, liberar a la reina de los conguitos o hacer de tus tripas, un marrón.
  • No soy borde, sólo digo lo que pienso/tengo carácter/es que tu eres gilipollas.
  • Si no puedes llevar a nadie al huerto, perpetuar la especie o acariciar la pared del útero con el cíclope de cabeza morada y tiene suerte que no padeces disfunción eréctil (impotencia), no buscarás putas, zorras, furcias, pendones, rameras o putones verbeneros. Simplemente requerirás un servicio de acompañamiento por trabajadoras sexuales, mujeres fáciles, de la vida, de la calle, de bragas sueltas o de moral relajada que trabajan en un bar de alterne.
  • Finalmente, no ofendas, chaval que ya no hay maricones o tortilleras, ahora hay gays, homosexuales, lesbianas, transexuales, bisexuales, ecosexuales (¿acoso sexual a los árboles?), pansexuales (¿acoso sexual al bollicao?), individuos de la acera de enfrente que pierden más aceite que una freidora rota y que entienden.

Humor religioso

El papa no es infalible, es insoluble porque lo de la infalibilidad no hay quien se lo trague, Anawim, #justtothepoint
Le pedí a Dios por una bicicleta, pero sabía que Dios no funciona de esa manera. Así que robé una bicicleta y luego le pedí perdón, Emo Philips
Si pillo la señal de Wifi de los salones parroquiales…
¿estoy recibiendo una señal divina?

Historias de la Biblia



¿Por qué debemos aceptar los consejos del Papa sobre sexo? Si el sabe algo al respecto, pues, ¡no debería! […] El ateísmo es una organización sin profetas.[…]Estaba pensando en cómo la gente parece leer la Biblia mucho más a medida que envejece; entonces caí en la cuenta de que están estudiando para su examen final,George Carlin.
La esperanza es una virtud cristiana que consiste en despreciar todas las miserables cosas de este mundo en espera de disfrutar, en un país desconocido, deleites ignorados que los curas nos prometen a cambio de nuestro dinero,Voltaire.
Un hombre va a la Iglesia con una navaja tan grande y desproporcionada que serviría para deshuesar un mamut. El cura le pregunta:
¿Cómo lleva usted esa arma a la Casa de Dios?
— La utilizo para cargarme a cualquiera que me contraríe, no soporto que me lleven la contraria. Yo soy ateo, ¿y usted es cristiano?
— No, por supuesto que no y, sinceramente, tampoco se lo aconsejo.

¿La aceptas como esposa en la salud, en la enfermedad, en la riqueza y en la pobreza hasta que la muerte os separe?
Sí, no, si, no, no.

Sacerdote: Hijo mío, ¿Quieres ser cristiano?
Niño/a: ¿Estás loco? Quiero ser Messi.
Y al séptimo día Dios dijo:
“A TOMAR POR CULO, ASÍ SE QUEDA”

¿Cual es el colmo del papa?
– Despertarse diciendo: – Hoy no me he levantado muy católico.

En el confesionario:
– ¿Qué puedo hacer con mis pecados, señor cura?
– Ora.
– Las cuatro y cuarto, pero… ¿Qué puedo hacer con mis pecados?
—¿Que es blanco y negro, blanco y negro y, de nuevo, blanco y negro?
― Una monja cayendo por las escaleras.
—¿De que trabajas?
—Pelo papas.
— ¿Eres chef, cocinero, asistente de cocina…?
— No, soy peluquero del Vaticano.

Laugh with us: Jokes

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity.Stephen King
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Don't follow your dreams, follow my twitter,#justtothepoint.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
I am blonde, what is your excuse?
I don’t know what makes you so stupid. But it sure seems to work.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
A very wise man once said, “it is better to let people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and prove you are stupid.”

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

trainWreck
PrincipalEn
FastestAnimalEn
SugerenciaEn
WhenIDieEn
HumorBlonde
lapidasEn
Likes and opinions are like butts, everyone’s got one and they all stink, but that doesn’t mean everyone wants to see it by any stretch of the imagination,Anawim, #justtothepoint.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.Emo Philips.
There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
Are you superstitious?
-No, because it brings bad luck.
Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews, Hitler stated:
-“I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown.”
One of his generals asks him why a clown. Hitler responds, “See! I told you, no one cares about the Jews!”

NOTE: I care a lot about Jews! I love them and we all deserve to live in peace and prosperity. I am just trying to have some fun in this crazy world.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial,Irvin S. Cobb.
He had delusions of adequacy,Walter Kerr.
Don't cite Wikipedia in an academic paper or presentation...
Cite the sources from Wikipedia!!!
Where did the little girl go during the explosion?
-Everywhere!

Kids area:

What is the snake's favorite subject?
-Hiss-story.
  • What does a mobile phone say to another phone? -Who knows what the future will brr-ing!
  • Why are owls wise? ― I don’t know, I’m not an owl.
  • The first restaurant on the moon didn’t do very well. -It had great food but no atmosphere.
  • Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something? — Yes, here’s a kite!
  • Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar. — Don’t worry, you’ll soon change!
  • What does a pen say to a pencil? — So, what’s your point!
  • What does a tree do when it is ready to go home? — It leaves.
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  • The Computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for Boxing.
  • What does a wall say to another wall? Meet me at the corner!
  • Knock Knock! -Who’s there? – Who. – Who who? – Are you an owl?
  • What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss? -Ouch
  • How do you drown a blonde? — You just stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
  • My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

Laugh with us: Euphemisms

Euphemisms

Americans have trouble facing the truth. So they invent a kind of soft language to protect themselves from it. […] At some stage during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. Constipation became occasional irregularity. […] The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore. They neutralize people. Or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie. It engages in misinformation, George Carlin
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime, but I have a great vocabulary, Jules Feiffer

A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used instead of one that may be found offensive, vulgar, sad, unpleasant or shocking. Some euphemisms are not funny at all: “My dad passed away when I was twelve”, “Poor people are collateral damage, disposable entities, pawns in power chess”, etc. However, I find some of them very amusing:

  • I am not lazy, I am physically conservative, I just rest before I get tired, I just enjoy doing nothing, I am on energy saving mode, I am just easily tired, I am overflowing with potential energy. I’m just depleted motivated to reduce stress and do nothing, just waiting for inspiration to hit me.
    Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years. I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.

  • I am not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
  • I do not have bad handwriting, I have my own font.
  • She is not ugly, she is one of a kind, beautifully challenged, facially compromised, sexually handicapped, aesthetically freelancer, she has unconventional looks. His teeth aren’t bad, they’re just wrestling.
  • I am not arrogant, I just have an inflated self-esteem.
  • I am not messy, I am organizationally challenged.
  • You’re the depressed guy, right? ― How dare you! The term is “festively challenged.”
  • A bat in the cave (you have a booger stuck in your nose, clearly visible from the outside).
  • Excuse me, I’ve just got to talk to a man about a horse.
  • Step on a frog, drop a rose, break wind (fart).
  • To grow a monkey tail, make a deposit in the porcelain bank, unload some timber, drop the kids off at the pool, gotta do some paperwork, (do a poo).
  • I am not fat, I am big boned, easy to see, and fluffy. In other words, I am horizontally enhanced. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality. 
  • I am not rude, I have an attitude, I just explain what’s on my damn mind! I just don’t like you at all, you are simply insignificant. I just articulate what everyone else is thinking and hasn’t got the balls to say. I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle. I’m not short tempered, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.
  • Shouting Groceries, technicolor yawn, making street pizza, bowing down to the porcelain god, tossing cookies (vomit).
  • Follicly challenged. It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • I am not short, I am just fun-sized or I’m just concentrated cool.
  • That’s not a lie, it’s a terminological inexactitude. No, I’d never lie. I am just being economical with the truth.
  • I am not weird, I’m a limited edition, I just find creative ways to entertain myself / I just belong to a class of people which you don’t understand / I just have that thing called – Personality! / I just fall outside your exceptionally narrow view of the world.
  • You are a manipulator! -I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer (J. R. Ward).
  • I am not old… I am retro, vintage, antique, I have plenty of life and cuddle experience, I am just a classic, I’ve just been young for a very long time, I am a recycled teenager!
  • You’re not ugly, you’re under construction ― just facially or aesthetically challenged! You look like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Your beauty is different, it is buried alive very deep inside. You have a severe appearance deficit. I am not ugly, I just reduce my graphics to enhance performance.

Sleep sound for a healthy lifestyle 2

Sleep is an investment in the energy you need to be effective tomorrow, Tom Roth.

What good is success if your health has deteriorated from a lack of sleep?
If you don’t get enough sleeping hours, make sure you read our first article Sleep sound for a healthy lifestyle and follow these tips.

Don’t use your bed for anything other than sleep or sex at all costs. The bed is NOT for studying, reading, watching tv, etc.

To sum up, sleep matters! We all need to sleep well.

Cómo superar los trastornos alimentarios

No digo que sea sencillo, pero sí que merece la pena, Anónimo.

Las personas que padecen un trastorno alimentario se caracterizan por tener hábitos de alimentación irregulares y una preocupación excesiva por el peso, la figura corporal y la comida. Se padece un intenso miedo a subir de peso o a convertirse en obeso, aún estando en un peso normal o, incluso, por debajo de lo normal (leer más en Trastorno alimentario).


Dentro de las estrategias para superarlos nos encontramos con las siguientes:

Luchar contra el concepto de belleza (delgadez) sinónimo de éxito y felicidad, medida única de nuestro valor como personas y autoestima. El éxito no debe medirse por el poder, la belleza, la fama o la riqueza, sino por los obstáculos que se han superado para alcanzar los objetivos y el impacto que se tiene en la sociedad para el bien común. Si bien, me distancio aquí bastante de otros autores, tampoco debe caerse en el extremo opuesto y pretender negar su importancia en la sociedad en la que vivimos.

Coping with Eating Disorders

I’m not telling you it will be easy, I am telling you it is worth it, Anonymous.

Eating Disorders “describe illnesses that are characterized by irregular eating habits and severe distress or concern about body weight or shape” (Eating Disorder Hope, Read more Eating Disorders).

Among the strategies to overcome these problems are:

The media has a big impact on eating disorders, cosmetic surgeries, and low self-esteem. Fight the media’s image of beauty by remembering that inner beauty counts for quite a lot and that success should not be measured by power, beauty, fame or wealth, but by the obstacles you have overcome in order to to reach your goals and the impact you make on the lives of others.