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Martha and the Twins
Martha and the Twins
Martha and the Twins

Ríete con Nosotros: Eufemismos

No le tolero eso. —Pues revise usted, si es tan amable, sus límites de tolerancia,Arturo Pérez-Reverte.

La verdad es única y siempre se nos aparece desnuda, tal como es, somos nosotros los que tratamos de disfrazarla con enredos, artimañas, eufemismos y tergiversaciones.

  • No soy pobre, sino minimalista. No soy gordo, tengo huesos anchos y los trajes me están “apretaditos” (te pega el traje como a un Cristo tres pistolas). No soy calvo, padezco una alopecia galopante o avanzada. No soy prepotente, soy consciente de mi superioridad y tengo una gran autoestima. No soy feo, tengo una belleza especial o rara; soy difícil de mirar, mis amigas me dicen que me quieren como amigo.
  • Ya no recibimos publicidad ni compramos crema en el supermercado, nos encontramos correo comercial en el buzón y adquirimos emulsiones seborreguladoras matificantes incoloras o coloreadas.
  • Yo no soy vago, solo nací cansado/descanso por un tiempo indefinido/llevo un tiempo en modo ahorro de energía.
  • No hay más que preocuparse, nuestros queridos gobernantes realizarán las necesarias políticas de rescate bancario o apoyo financiero (para favorecer a los de siempre) porque, como todos sabemos, aquí no hay crisis económica ni depresión sino un crecimiento negativo, desaceleraciones controladas y datos débiles de evolución positiva (manda huevos que diría el poeta consumado Federico Trillo). Para ayudar al crecimiento, se seguirán realizando reformas laborales con el fin de flexibilizar el mercado laboral (es decir, el despido más barato todavía).
  • Y, por supuesto, seguiremos exportando democracia con bombas y drones (tócate los cojones, perdón por el pareado) en intervenciones “humanitarias”, pero también armadas, con sus consecuentes daños colaterales, técnicas avanzadas de interrogación a los detenidos y víctimas de métodos coercitivos.
  • No tengo mala letra, solo tengo mi propio tipo de fuente/he nacido para médico.
  • A los que después de la entrevista no le digan “no se preocupe que lo llamaremos” (no figura, el trabajo no es para ti), con su trabajo precario (de esclavos, pero bueno… ¿todavía no se ha bajado los pantalones?) podrán acceder a la vivienda digna, quizás anunciado como “ideal parejas” (para los gnomos).
  • Con todo lo que está cayendo puede que tengas ganas de dar vía libre al transito intestinal, visitar Chi-cago, pasar de lo abstracto a lo concreto, calcular el producto interior bruto, liberar a la reina de los conguitos o hacer de tus tripas, un marrón.
  • No soy borde, sólo digo lo que pienso/tengo carácter/es que tu eres gilipollas.
  • Si no puedes llevar a nadie al huerto, perpetuar la especie o acariciar la pared del útero con el cíclope de cabeza morada y tiene suerte que no padeces disfunción eréctil (impotencia), no buscarás putas, zorras, furcias, pendones, rameras o putones verbeneros. Simplemente requerirás un servicio de acompañamiento por trabajadoras sexuales, mujeres fáciles, de la vida, de la calle, de bragas sueltas o de moral relajada que trabajan en un bar de alterne.
  • Finalmente, no ofendas, chaval que ya no hay maricones o tortilleras, ahora hay gays, homosexuales, lesbianas, transexuales, bisexuales, ecosexuales (¿acoso sexual a los árboles?), pansexuales (¿acoso sexual al bollicao?), individuos de la acera de enfrente que pierden más aceite que una freidora rota y que entienden.

Humor religioso

El papa no es infalible, es insoluble porque lo de la infalibilidad no hay quien se lo trague, Anawim, #justtothepoint
Le pedí a Dios por una bicicleta, pero sabía que Dios no funciona de esa manera. Así que robé una bicicleta y luego le pedí perdón, Emo Philips
Si pillo la señal de Wifi de los salones parroquiales…
¿estoy recibiendo una señal divina?

Historias de la Biblia



¿Por qué debemos aceptar los consejos del Papa sobre sexo? Si el sabe algo al respecto, pues, ¡no debería! […] El ateísmo es una organización sin profetas.[…]Estaba pensando en cómo la gente parece leer la Biblia mucho más a medida que envejece; entonces caí en la cuenta de que están estudiando para su examen final,George Carlin.
La esperanza es una virtud cristiana que consiste en despreciar todas las miserables cosas de este mundo en espera de disfrutar, en un país desconocido, deleites ignorados que los curas nos prometen a cambio de nuestro dinero,Voltaire.
Un hombre va a la Iglesia con una navaja tan grande y desproporcionada que serviría para deshuesar un mamut. El cura le pregunta:
¿Cómo lleva usted esa arma a la Casa de Dios?
— La utilizo para cargarme a cualquiera que me contraríe, no soporto que me lleven la contraria. Yo soy ateo, ¿y usted es cristiano?
— No, por supuesto que no y, sinceramente, tampoco se lo aconsejo.

¿La aceptas como esposa en la salud, en la enfermedad, en la riqueza y en la pobreza hasta que la muerte os separe?
Sí, no, si, no, no.

Sacerdote: Hijo mío, ¿Quieres ser cristiano?
Niño/a: ¿Estás loco? Quiero ser Messi.

¿Cual es el colmo del papa?
– Despertarse diciendo: – Hoy no me he levantado muy católico.

En el confesionario:
– ¿Qué puedo hacer con mis pecados, señor cura?
– Ora.
– Las cuatro y cuarto, pero… ¿Qué puedo hacer con mis pecados?
—¿Que es blanco y negro, blanco y negro y, de nuevo, blanco y negro?
― Una monja cayendo por las escaleras.
—¿De que trabajas?
—Pelo papas.
— ¿Eres chef, cocinero, asistente de cocina…?
— No, soy peluquero del Vaticano.

Laugh with us: Jokes

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity.Stephen King
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
Likes and opinions are like butts, everyone’s got one and they all stink, but that doesn’t mean everyone wants to see it by any stretch of the imagination,Anawim, #justtothepoint.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.Emo Philips.
There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
Are you superstitious?
-No, because it brings bad luck.

Kids area:

What is the snake's favorite subject?
-Hiss-story.
  • What does a mobile phone say to another phone? -Who knows what the future will brr-ing!
  • Why are owls wise? ― I don’t know, I’m not an owl.
  • The first restaurant on the moon didn’t do very well. -It had great food but no atmosphere.
  • Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something? — Yes, here’s a kite!
  • Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar. — Don’t worry, you’ll soon change!
  • What does a pen say to a pencil? — So, what’s your point!
  • What does a tree do when it is ready to go home? — It leaves.
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  • The Computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for Boxing.
  • What does a wall say to another wall? Meet me at the corner!
  • Knock Knock! -Who’s there? – Who. – Who who? – Are you an owl?
  • What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss? -Ouch
  • How do you drown a blonde? — You just stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
  • My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

Laugh with us: Euphemisms

Euphemisms

Americans have trouble facing the truth. So they invent a kind of soft language to protect themselves from it. […] At some stage during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. Constipation became occasional irregularity. […] The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore. They neutralize people. Or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie. It engages in misinformation, George Carlin
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime, but I have a great vocabulary, Jules Feiffer

A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used instead of one that may be found offensive, vulgar, sad, unpleasant or shocking. Some euphemisms are not funny at all: “My dad passed away when I was twelve”, “Poor people are collateral damage, disposable entities, pawns in power chess”, etc. However, I find some of them very amusing:

  • I am not lazy, I am physically conservative, I just rest before I get tired, I just enjoy doing nothing, I am on energy saving mode, I am just easily tired, I am overflowing with potential energy.
  • She is not ugly, she is one of a kind, beautifully challenged, facially compromised, sexually handicapped, aesthetically freelancer, she has unconventional looks. His teeth aren’t bad, they’re just wrestling.
  • I am not arrogant, I just have an inflated self-esteem.
  • I am not messy, I am organizationally challenged.
  • I am not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
  • I do not have bad handwriting, I have my own font.
  • You’re the depressed guy, right? ― How dare you! The term is “festively challenged.”
  • A bat in the cave (you have a booger stuck in your nose, clearly visible from the outside).
  • Excuse me, I’ve just got to talk to a man about a horse.
  • Step on a frog, drop a rose, break wind (fart).
  • To grow a monkey tail, make a deposit in the porcelain bank, unload some timber, drop the kids off at the pool, gotta do some paperwork, (do a poo).
  • I am not fat, I am big boned, easy to see, and fluffy. In other words, I am horizontally enhanced. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality. 
  • I am not rude, I have an attitude, I just explain what’s on my damn mind! I just don’t like you at all, you are simply insignificant. I just articulate what everyone else is thinking and hasn’t got the balls to say. I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle. I’m not short tempered, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.
  • Shouting Groceries, technicolor yawn, making street pizza, bowing down to the porcelain god, tossing cookies (vomit).
  • Follicly challenged. It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • I am not short, I am just fun-sized or I’m just concentrated cool.
  • That’s not a lie, it’s a terminological inexactitude. No, I’d never lie. I am just being economical with the truth.
  • I am not weird, I’m a limited edition, I just find creative ways to entertain myself / I just belong to a class of people which you don’t understand / I just have that thing called – Personality! / I just fall outside your exceptionally narrow view of the world.
  • You are a manipulator! -I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer (J. R. Ward).
  • I am not old… I am retro, vintage, antique, I have plenty of life and cuddle experience, I am just a classic, I’ve just been young for a very long time, I am a recycled teenager!
  • You’re not ugly, you’re under construction ― just facially or aesthetically challenged! You look like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Your beauty is different, it is buried alive very deep inside. You have a severe appearance deficit. I am not ugly, I just reduce my graphics to enhance performance.

Sleep sound for a healthy lifestyle 2

Sleep is an investment in the energy you need to be effective tomorrow, Tom Roth.

What good is success if your health has deteriorated from a lack of sleep?
If you don’t get enough sleeping hours, make sure you read our first article Sleep sound for a healthy lifestyle and follow these tips.

Don’t use your bed for anything other than sleep or sex at all costs. The bed is NOT for studying, reading, watching tv, etc.

To sum up, sleep matters! We all need to sleep well.

Cómo superar los trastornos alimentarios

No digo que sea sencillo, pero sí que merece la pena, Anónimo.

Las personas que padecen un trastorno alimentario se caracterizan por tener hábitos de alimentación irregulares y una preocupación excesiva por el peso, la figura corporal y la comida. Se padece un intenso miedo a subir de peso o a convertirse en obeso, aún estando en un peso normal o, incluso, por debajo de lo normal (leer más en Trastorno alimentario).


Dentro de las estrategias para superarlos nos encontramos con las siguientes:

Luchar contra el concepto de belleza (delgadez) sinónimo de éxito y felicidad, medida única de nuestro valor como personas y autoestima. El éxito no debe medirse por el poder, la belleza, la fama o la riqueza, sino por los obstáculos que se han superado para alcanzar los objetivos y el impacto que se tiene en la sociedad para el bien común. Si bien, me distancio aquí bastante de otros autores, tampoco debe caerse en el extremo opuesto y pretender negar su importancia en la sociedad en la que vivimos.

Coping with Eating Disorders

I’m not telling you it will be easy, I am telling you it is worth it, Anonymous.

Eating Disorders “describe illnesses that are characterized by irregular eating habits and severe distress or concern about body weight or shape” (Eating Disorder Hope, Read more Eating Disorders).

Among the strategies to overcome these problems are:

The media has a big impact on eating disorders, cosmetic surgeries, and low self-esteem. Fight the media’s image of beauty by remembering that inner beauty counts for quite a lot and that success should not be measured by power, beauty, fame or wealth, but by the obstacles you have overcome in order to to reach your goals and the impact you make on the lives of others.

Laugh with us: God’s Humour

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness, Emo Philips
The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. ‘They won’t let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.’ -‘What are you complaining about?’ said God. ‘They won’t let Me in either.’ , Brennan Manning.
A man goes to a church with a large, very disproportionate knife which would instantly kill anyone it hit.
The priest asks:
– How could you bring this weapon to the Lord’s House?
– I always take it with me just in case someone dares to contradict me. I hate people who disagree with me on literally anything. I am an atheist, are you a Christian?
– No, of course not and honestly, I wouldn’t advise it to you either.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam, George Carlin
A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.
A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.
A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side.
Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: “Whoever did this to you needs help”.
What's black and white, black and white and black and white?
A nun falling down the stairs..

Men and women: Are we the same or different?

I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism. And that’s how I operate my life, Oprah Winfrey.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition,
Timothy Leary.

Gender equality is more than a goal in itself. It is a precondition for meeting the challenge of reducing poverty, promoting sustainable development and building good governance,
Kofi Annan.

There is a current cultural trend of “political correctness” which claims that significant gender differences do not exist. Therefore, it is believed that pretending there are no important gender differences, we will achieve more equality and prevent discrimination, and even violence.

Let me tell you, I don’t think this is true. However, it is very important to avoid sexist language and behaviour:

  1. Don’t tell sexist jokes: “Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die,” “Why did the women cross the road? I don’t know, but what is she doing out of the kitchen?”
  2. Avoid sexist proverbs: “Boys will be boys,” “One tongue is enough for a woman,” “Women have got long hair and short sense.”

    If you use sexist jokes, proverbs or remarks, pin up sexually explicit photos in your workplace or have them as your desktop and phone background, you are not only being distasteful, but you are making your female friends, employees or colleagues feel uncomfortable. You are creating a hostile environment for women, you are complicating your communication and hindering your personal, social and professional relationships with them. Consequently, be aware of the importance of language and try to avoid gender pitfalls.

  3. Mass media and publicity help to perpetuate gender inequality. Men are usually depicted as more active, competent, and valued than women in a number of activities. On the contrary, women are shown in passive or supporting roles.

  4. Use “inclusive” or “nonsexist” language, that is, gender neutral language. Avoid exclusive forms, such as: “If a student studies hard, he will succeed,” “The average student is worried about his grades,” etc., and choose inclusive alternatives: “If a student studies hard, he or she will succeed,” “If a student studies hard, s/he will succeed,” “The average student is worried about grades,” NCTE, Guidelines for Gender-Fair Use of Language.
  5. Avoid terms that are inherently sexist: “mankind,” “policeman,” “waiter,” “fireman,” etc. You must find alternative terms for those that are sexist: mankind (“humankind”, “human beings”), policeman (“police officer”), the common man (“the average person”), cavemen (“prehistoric people”), etc., Avoiding Sexist Language by Jennifer Klein, Hamilton Colleage.
  6. Use courtesy titles that promote gender equity. Miss and Mrs can be replaced by Ms. which is a form of addressing women regardless of marital status. “To whom it corresponds” or Mr./Ms. can be used when the gender of the addressee is unknown.

Many argue that the use of gender-neutral language is nonsense, which leads us to using awkward constructions, vague language, and ugly neologisms. As one comment in the What’s wrong with the world? blog affirmed: It was hard not to wince today during the Gospel reading appointed for Mass: “One does not live by bread alone…” (Matt. 4:4) which is our Lord’s paraphrase of Deuteronomy. 8:3. Thus, the magnificent declamation: “Man does not live by bread alone…” […] is shattered. The translation makes Christ sound like the Prince of Wales who often refers to himself as “one” presumably to distinguish himself from his mother’s royal “we,” Against Gender-Neutral Language.

I do strongly think that there is a middle ground of neutral writing and speaking which avoids sexual bias, awkward constructions, ugly neologisms, etc., and which also communicates without using sexist language.

However, “it is ironic that this long-overdue “gender neutrality” comes just as scientists are recognising more and more the actual physiological and psychological differences between men and women,” Vive la Diférence? by Michael Henry. As Allan Pease puts it: “We are different because our brain is wired differently. This causes us to perceive the world in different ways and have different values and priorities. Not better or worse ― different.”

The fight against gender inequality and discrimination should not be confused with recognising, valuing, and celebrating our differences. These allow us to grow and learn from one another.

For example, men are more violent than women. “In 2011, the United States Department of Justice compiled homicide statistics in the United States between 1980 and 2008. Males committed the vast majority of homicides in the United States at that time, representing 90% of the total number of offenders.” Wikipedia, Sex differences in crime.

Worldwide, men are more likely to be literate, about two-thirds of illiterate adults are women. However, “women have overtaken men at every level of education in developed countries around the world,” (BBC News, Girls top of the class worldwide). For instance, in the UK: “The disparity between boys and girls has become a regular feature of GCSE and A-level results. While 72.3% of girls got A*-C grades, only 63.7% of boys did,” The guardian. The USA Today 10/19/2005 affirmed: “Last year for the first time, women earned more than half the degrees granted statewide in every category, be it associate, bachelor, master, doctoral or professional. […] There are more men than women ages 18-24 in the USA — 15 million vs. 14.2 million […] But nationally, the male/female ratio on campus today is 43/57,” USAToday.com, College gender gap widens: 57% are women.

In general terms, boys are less attentive to classroom tasks and more disruptive (they lose more classroom learning time because they are sent out of the classroom or sent home), they also read less and later (and so they value reading less), and talk less.

Sex is a big difference between men and women: “How do you know if a man is ready for sex? He’s breathing […] A woman wants lots of sex with the man she loves. A man wants lots of sex,” Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps: How We’re Different and What, Allan Pease, Barbara Pease. As Billy Crystal put it, “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

The average man tends to be much more sexually driven than the average women is. This can be observed in prostitution. The oldest profession is mostly exercised by women. Male prostitution is less frequent, and male prostitution services predominantly male clients.

In a classical but very revealing study conducted by Russel D. Clark and Elaine Hatfiel in 1978 and 1982, male and female confederates of average attractiveness approached potential partners with one of these requests: “Would you go out toning?,” “Will you come over to my apartment?” or “Would you go to bed with me?” “The great majority of men were willing to have a sexual liaison with the women who approached them. Women were not. Not one woman agreed to a sexual liaison. The men that said “No” even gave apologies, i.e., “I’m married” or “I’m going with someone,” Gender Differences in Receptivity to Sexual Offers, Rusell D. Clark y Elaine Hatfield, 1989.

In general, men are better at gross motor skills while women are better at fine motor skills. Men are found to have greater spatial skills and better mathematical reasoning ability (this last one is a very controversial topic in which there is no consensus), while women show greater verbal skills. All these differences are logical from an evolutionary point of view, men used to perform more physically demanding tasks, such as hunting, defending territory, and obtaining food while women were engaged in housekeeping and child care, Kimura D., Human sex differences in cognition, fact, not predicament.

Men take more risks. On average, men have more sexual partners and are less than enthusiastic about condom use. Obviously, this is not a good idea. However, this attitude may come in handy within professional contexts and sports. Being capable of making decisions and assuming calculated risks despite the limited facts and great uncertainty is also fundamental in entrepreneurs, executives, and policy makers.

Women are better at active listening, non-verbal communication, and empathy, making them more effective at interpersonal communication. When a women is talking to her boyfriend or husband about a problem, she usually describes it in great detail. She longs for empathetic listening. On the contrary, men get confused and annoyed with so many words, they try to reduce the peripheral (or noise), focus on the problem, and provide a solution. And by doing so, they are missing the point completely, she only wanted his attention and empathy!, so she could feel just how much he cares for her. As John Gray put it:

When a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

Men can learn from women to develop a better style of communication, so they can build more meaningful relationships together. They need to listen patiently and actively, use non-verbal communication (eye contact amongst others), and show understanding and empathy.

Many are wondering whether it is possible or not in this crazy and hedonistic world to maintain a stable relationship when there are so many differences between men and women. Perhaps, the best answer is found in the classic book “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” by John Gray: “when men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”

To maintain a healthy and stable relationship, men should learn to listen more, talk less, and show more empathy and understanding. On the other hand, women should understand men’s need for retreat, to be appreciated, and also have more sex with their partners (we are talking about sex in marriage or in very stable relationships, not casual sex) in order to let them express how much they love them.

Accept your partner for who they are

Do not choose only one part, take me as I am, whole and such as I am, so you don’t make any mistakes. Sincerely yours, Joan Manuel Serrat.

Benjamin Flanklin said: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” It states that before you begin a serious and stable relationship with someone ― marriage, kids, moving together, etc. ―, you should really know him/her very well. Then, you should consider and meditate hard because there is a lot at stake. Do not fool yourself into believing that he or she will be different, better, or you will make him/her change.

If you want to be happy and wholesome, you have to accept her/him for who s/he is.